According to Dr. Doreen Virtue, author of
Losing Your Pounds of Pain, the most common form of abuse is neglect. Doreen says that whether the intentions are good or bad it is still considered abuse. Neglect is very hard to detect because it is so subtle and usually parents are not even aware they are neglecting their child. In fact, the reason for the neglect is usually because the parent is doing things that they believe is for the good of the children.
Here is story from Dr. Virtue's book of a woman who experienced such neglect in her childhood:
- When Melanie recalls her childhood, she has an image of her mother vacuuming and cleaning-constantly. "Every minute, she was cleaning the house," remembers Melanie. "She was always in a rush and in a bad mood because she was cleaning after my brothers and me. I remember feeling guilty when she'd wash the dishes right after we ate."
Dr. Doreen Virtue adds:
"Melanie's mother exhibited perfectionistic and compulsive tendencies toward housework.. The woman rationalized that she was being "a good mother and wife" by keeping the house spotless. That was a strong cultural notion then, one that continues today. But there is a difference between maintaning a neat, sanitary home and spending every moment scrubbing and polishing. In the latter situation, the homemaker is usually attempting to keep busy to avoid human contact. Compulsive housekeeping, like workaholism and other addictions, is a way to avoid such intimacy.
Now, since children require emotional connectedness with their parents, those who are raised by 'super housewives' are often confused. They seem to have the perfect mother, one who makes great meals and irons their clothes. In the eyes of the world, it may seem that this type of mother is perfect because she keeps an immaculate home and cooks like a French chef. Yet children who grow up in these households are left with the emptiness triggered by the lack of emotional mothering (as opposed to physical mothering) they receive.
As these kids mature, they try to fill this void with things such as food, which temporarily makes them feel full and numb; and material goods, which are often purchased compulsively. Others may even use people to fill this vacuum, as is in the case when women 'collect' boyfriends instead of engaging in one monagamus, intimate relationship."
Like Dr. Doreen writes in her book, "..these definitions are not designed to point fingers at parents, or label someone a 'bad person'- that would serve no usefeul purpose.We are just trying to know ourselves...and know our histories."
Learning about my own self-esteem issues and how they began has helped me understand why my father had a alcohol addiction.
He grew up in a farm in Mexico with about eight or ten siblings (a few died). He was second to the last child born and at a very young age (I believe four years old) he was forced to work the farm. His mother was busy with household chores and died when my father was still young. His father was busy with the farm and if he had a moment to spare for my father it was used to beat him. He'd hang him from a tree and whip him. To make matters worse, one of his male siblings would beat him up too. Not only was he beaten at home, but at school the teachers would beat him for not having spotless hands (he'd wake up at dawn to do his farm chores before going to school and often he'd would not have time to clean out some of the dirt under his fingernails).
Knowing this about my father's childhood fills me with pain. I often wish I would have known this stuff before his death so that I would have showered him love every day and perhaps he would finally have experienced being loved unconditionally. Sometimes I am in awe that my dad was still able to be a good father when he was sober. Unfortunately being a product of "neglected love" and corporal punishment kept him addicted to alcohol until the end of his life.
This is why I focus so much on sharing with others the importance of self-esteem. Children who are neglected (even if it's not intentional), struggle with many issues throughtout their adult life that stems from having low self esteem.
Several psychologists and *authors have written that Adolf Hitler became who he was because of neglected love and because of the corporal punishment he endured as a child. Which is not very different from what my father experienced in his own childhood. The difference is that instead of hurting others like Hitler did, my father hurt himself. Although my father also hurt others when he was drunk, if not physically for sure emotionally.
This is not to excuse adults who hurt others. Just want to illustrate the importance of ensuring that your children are raised in environments that are conductive to core self-esteem.
* Alice Miller in her book,
For Your Own Good, writes about Hitler's childhood if you are interested in finding out more about how his experience as a child of neglect and abuse produced a monster.
